


The Disaster Huntsman

by PT_Piranha



Category: RWBY, The Room (2003)
Genre: F/M, Love Triangles, Suicide, The Room parody, everyone but Jaune is of age, football in tuxes, jaune owes money, rpg battles, scenes from the flash game version, taiyang did not hit her, what a story mercury, winter might have cancer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 16:16:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8630731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PT_Piranha/pseuds/PT_Piranha
Summary: It's a version of The Room, starring the cast of RWBY.A wonderful, selfless huntsman with a penchant for saying "oh hi" must ask himself who he can trust, once his future wife begins seducing his best friend. Taiyang lives the good life, with friends and a good job, but his future wife, Weiss, will tear him apart. Watch as Taiyang's life falls apart, Weiss improvises a love triangle, and Mercury find himself less resistant to Weiss's wiles. Meanwhile, Winter definitely has cancer, and Jaune owes a criminal some freaking money.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this is what it's come to. I've watched RWBY for nearly two years and wanted to contribute to the fanbase... So I do it with a parody of Tommy Wiseau's 2003 film, The Room. Beautiful trainwreck as it is. This is a mixture of the movie, the flash game of the movie, and RWBY. Characters from Remnant will reenact the plot and mostly follow the script of the movie (and game), with minor deviations. The title of this piece refers to The Disaster Artist, a book authored by Greg Sestero (one of the movie's stars). It was written about the movie's production and Greg's relationship to Tommy.
> 
> I highly recommend watching the movie, so this will make more sense. And because I just recommend it in general. I also recommend playing the flash game for added context of what I'm doing. And I recommend The Disaster Artist, because it's an interesting insight. I don't feel the need to recommend RWBY, because I suspect more of you are RWBY fans than Room fans.
> 
> Very final thing, I got interested in the Wii U Paper Mario game, where every time a main character is introduced, the action pauses so we can get their name while a little musical sting plays. Imagine something like that whenever we see a character's name introduced.
> 
> Please enjoy.

_It was a cold autumn afternoon on the island of Patch._

_Two young adults stood before a gravestone on one of the island's plateaus. By the stone was a statue of a strong-looking man. The mourners were a woman with white hair fashioned in a sideways ponytail, and the other was a boy with messy blonde hair._

**_THE DISASTER HUNTSMAN_ **

**_Directed By: Taiyang Xiao Long_ **

**_Produced By: Taiyang Xiao Long_ **

**_Written By: Taiyang Xiao Long_ **

**_Starring: Taiyang Xiao Long, Mercury Black, Weiss Schnee, Jaune Arc, Winter Schnee, etc._ **

**_Two Weeks Earlier…_ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

A blonde man emerged joyously from the front doors of Signal Academy. "Ah…"

**_Our Hero: TAIYANG XIAO LONG!_ **

Taiyang smiled. "What a beautiful day."

_RUMBLERUMBLERUMBLE_

A gray car pulled up to the school's entrance, and a man in black and gray clothing stepped out.

**_Taiyang's Friend: MERCURY BLACK!_ **

"Holy crap! Did you feel that, Tai?"

"O hai Mercury. What an earthquake, huh?"

Mercury winced. "Yeah, you can say that again. The bridge to the mainland collapsed right behind me!"

"Taiyang. Mercury," a reserved voice spoke up. Taiyang and Mercury noticed that a white-haired woman in formal attire had come to greet them.

**_The Future In-Law: WINTER SCHNEE!_ **

"O hai Winter. What an earthquake, huh? Is Weiss okay?"

"We just spoke on our scrolls. She's fine, but a little shaken up." Mercury snickered at the accidental pun, which Winter ignored. "Taiyang, as my future brother-in-law, you need to be able to provide for Weiss. Go buy her something."

Mercury nodded. "Yeah I'm busy right now. I'll see you guys later."

"Which reminds me, I need to meet my brother for coffee," said Winter. "Would you mind escorting me?"

The silver-haired man shrugged and allowed the older woman into his car. They drove off, leaving Taiyang with his quest to buy a gift for Weiss.

* * *

After a few establishing views of the island of Patch, Taiyang had finally returned to his log house.

The living room was the very first room in the house, it was quite spacious. Closest to the door was an armchair, next to that was a three-cushioned couch, and a wooden chair could be found beside that. All three pieces of furniture faced the coffee table and unused television. Bookshelves were on the walls, as were portraits of spoons.

The Xiao Long residence also had a second floor, two bathrooms, two bedrooms (master and guest) and a deck out back on the first story. The deck could also be reached from the ground outside via stairs, as the house was built on a hill. Overall, it was a nice house, a little out of the way, but not so far that people had trouble stopping by.

Taiyang entered the door and greeted his absurdly youthful future wife. Or perhaps Taiyang was absurdly aged. Either way, he presented a giftbox. "Hi babe. I got something for you!"

Weiss turned around from sitting on the couch.

**_The Love Interest: WEISS SCHNEE!_ **

"What is it?" she asked, standing up.

"Oh just a little something," Taiyang said, as his future wife took the giftbox. She opened it and found herself to be the owner of a brand new rapier.

"Wow, it's beautiful," she said with forced enthusiasm. "Can I just keep it in our room?"

Taiyang shrugged. "Sure, it's yours." Weiss headed to the stairs to put her gift away. "I'd do anything for my girl."

But before Weiss could make it to the stairway, a blonde boy wearing a hoodie walked in, unannounced.

**_Surrogate Son: JAUNE ARC!_ **

"Oh hey guys!" Jaune greeted.

The older man acknowledged. "Hi Jaune, nice to see you. I'm going to go take a nap."

"…Can I go upstairs too?" asked the newcomer.

"Jaune, I think I'm going to join him," said Weiss. With that, she finally went upstairs, and Taiyang followed her.

The two engaged in a pillow fight for a short time, until Jaune barged into the bedroom and hopped onto the bed. The lovebirds decided to pelt him with their pillows as well, two-on-one.

"Aaah! Stop!"

Taiyang frowned. "Jaune, don't you have something else to do?"

"I just like to watch you guys."

"Jaune…" Weiss winced.

"Hahahah. You know what they say Jaune; two's great, but three's a crowd."

"Oh, okay. So you guys want to be alone."

"That's the idea…"

"Okay, I have homework to do anyway." Jaune walked back to the stairs, but turned tauntingly toward the bedroom. "Bye, lovebirds!"

"Bye, Jaune," Taiyang and Weiss said at once.

At that moment, without Jaune to get in the way, Taiyang and Weiss were free to smooch during a three-minute montage while it rained and cheesy music played in the background. Oh, and Taiyang mooned someone at one point. It was a weird night.

* * *

The next afternoon, Weiss answered the door, allowing her sister to enter the house. "Hi, Winter. How are you?"

"I'm fine. How are you?" The sisters walked over to the nearby couch. "Now what's happening?"

"Nothing much," Weiss answered with a shrug. "Do you want some coffee?"

"Why won't you tell me what's going on?"

A sigh. "I'm not feeling well."

"And why not?"

"I don't love him anymore."

Winter arched her eyebrow. "And why not?"

"He's just so… boring!"

"Well what are you going to do?" Winter questioned.

"I don't know. I don't mind living here."

"Why aren't you talking to him about this?"

Weiss sighed. "I don't know."

"Taiyang's a friendly man," Winter said. "He's getting a promotion soon. He also bought you your car, your new sword, and your clothes. And now you wish to end your relationship?" The older sister shook her head. "You should marry him, Weiss. He's good for you."

"Maybe you're right…"

"Of course I'm right. I know men. I wasn't born yesterday. At least someone around here listens to me. Now I need to go. Remember what I told you." Winter stood up and poked Weiss on the nose. "Bye-bye."

Winter walked out of the house, and Weiss merely rolled her eyes. She immediately pulled out her scroll and dialed a number.

" _Hello?_ " Mercury's voice was audible on the other end.

"Hey hot stuff, how are you doing?"

" _Oh, hey. How are you doing? I'm busy right now._ "

Weiss hung her head back. "I just got finished talking to Winter. She gave me this huge lecture on Taiyang."

" _Whatever. We can talk about it later, can't we? I said I'm busy._ "

"No, we talk about it now!" Weiss ordered. "We always say we'll talk about it later, but then we never do! You owe me one!"

" _Ugh, fine… What is it?_ "

The white-clad woman looked around in disgust. "Winter thinks she knows everything. She's not the boss of me. I'm going to do what I want. What do you think?"

" _Okay. You're happy with Tai, aren't you?_ "

"Can I see you tomorrow?" Weiss asked.

" _I guess… Noon?_ "

"I'll see you then. Handsome."

* * *

The next day, Taiyang made it to Signal, and his boss approached him in the hallway.

**_Taiyang's Boss: PETER PORT!_ **

"Wonderful news, Taiyang! The school is incorporating your techniques into the curriculum! And thanks to your financial advice, we'll save lots of money!"

Taiyang gasped. "That is wonderful. I get my promotion now?"

"Not yet," said Port. "Just a few more weeks, don't worry about it. You're our favorite instructor."

* * *

Mercury entered the house and took a seat in the wooden chair. Weiss poured them both some wine and plopped onto the couch, on the cushion closest to Mercury.

"Thanks."

Weiss said nothing, as she removed her jacket. "Do you mind?"

"Nah." But then the young man started looking around, noticing the atmosphere. "Hey… What's going on, here? I mean, the candles, the music-"

_"I was cold in the dark, it was empty in my life..."_

"-now you're taking off your jacket. What's going on, here?"

"I like you. Very much. Mr. Black."

"Wh-what's this about?"

"What's wrong? Don't you like me? Aren't I your girl?" Weiss batted her eyelashes, trying to be seductive.

Mercury sighed. "Tai is my best friend. You guys are getting married in a month. C'mon."

"Ugh! Forget Taiyang! This is about us!" Mercury merely shook his head and stood up to leave, but Weiss ran over to him. "No! Don't leave me, Mercury! I don't care about Taiyang anymore! I care about you!"

"Weiss, everything'll be fine."

But Weiss ignored him and then gave him an unexpected kiss on the lips. That was enough to convince Mercury, as they went over to the stairway for the next three minutes making out while _Shine_ continued to play in the background.

"Weiss, why did that happen?"

"You don't like me?"

Mercury shook his head. "That's not the point!"

"But I love you!"

"Look, you're kinda hot. But we can't do that again, Tai is my best friend! Let's just keep this a secret, okay?"

Weiss looked to the side, but never responded as Mercury got up to leave.

* * *

Taiyang walked into a flower store. "I'd like to buy a dozen white roses, please?"

The clerk turned around, revealing himself to be a large man with powerful sideburns.

**_The Shopkeeper: TUKSON!_ **

"Oh hey Taiyang, I didn't know it was you." Tukson went over to grab some roses, while Taiyang merely stood still. "Okay, here you go."

"That's me. How much is it?"

"That'll be eighteen lien," Tukson answered. Taiyang fished through his wallet before providing a note for twenty.

"Here you go, keep the change." The blonde man powerwalked out of the store, but made time to pat the black-and-white corgi on his way out. "Hi doggy."

"You're my favorite customer," said Tukson.

"Thanks a lot, byyyyye."

* * *

Weiss filed her nails on the couch, bringing into question exactly what she did during the day, until she heard a knock on the door. She went over to answer it, allowing Jaune to enter.

"Hey Jaune, how are you?"

"Oh I'm good. What's new?"

"I'm busy, Jaune. Did you want something?"

Jaune shrugged. "I just wanted to see if Taiyang was here. You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you?"

"Ah! You are such a brat!"

"What? I'm only kidding! I love you and Taiyang!"

Weiss sighed and walked away from the doorway. "Taiyang'll be here in a few minutes, you can wait here."

Jaune looked at his watch. "I have to go, now. Tell Taiyang I stopped by!"

He left, not even bothering to shut the door.

* * *

A few minutes later, Tayang walked into the house, not concerned with the state of his front door, and offered the roses to Weiss. "Hi babe. These are for you."

"Oh, wow! Did you get your promotion?" Weiss asked.

As Weiss put the roses in a vase, Taiyang shook his head and crashed onto the couch. "I didn't get it."

"You didn't get it, did you?" she asked, redundantly.

"Peter told me I would get it within three months. I save the school bundles. They are crazy, I don't think I will ever get it. They betray me, they didn't keep their promise, they tricked me, and I don't care."

Weiss tilted her head. "Did you tell them how effective your training is?"

"Of course, what do you think? Signal is already putting my ideas into practice. They are training students harder for less money, they are using me, and I am the fool."

"Well I still love you," Weiss lied.

"I think you are the only one who does."

Weiss looked aside, wryly. "At least you have your friends. I didn't get any clients today. The dust business is too competitive. Lousy Coal family... Do you want me to order a pizza?"

"I don't care."

"Well I already ordered a pizza."

"Hahah," Taiyang folded his hands behind his head. "You think of everything, Weiss."

The white-haired woman nodded. "You know what you need? A drink."

"You know I don't drink," said Taiyang. He went ignored, as Weiss prepared her mother's home brew- scotchka. Scotch and vodka at the same time. "You must be crazy, I cannot drink this."

Weiss put on her best sad face. "If you love me, you'll drink this."

The older man conceded and took a drink. "You're right. Tastes _gooood_ , hahah."

"I know, I am right."

The two of them drank for a while. At one point, Weiss had a tie wrapped around her head. Which confused Taiyang, considering he did not own any neckties. But he was too drunk to really care.

"Hahahah, I am tired, I am wasted, and I love you darling," Taiyang slurred.

* * *

The next day, Weiss was on the couch again while Winter sat in the nearby wooden chair. Weiss looked up from messing with her scroll. "So I'm organizing Taiyang's surprise birthday party. Can you come?"

"When is it?" Winter asked.

"Next Friday. You can bring someone, if you want."

Winter remained silent for a moment. "…I should be available. I don't think I'll be bringing anyone, though." She narrowed her eyes. "Oh, that jerk Whitley, he wants me to give him a share of my house. That manor belongs to _me._ He has no right, and is not getting a single lien. Who does he think he is?"

Weiss blinked. "…Our brother?"

The older sister sighed. "He's always bugging me about that house. Fifteen years ago, I bought that house from him. Suddenly he doesn't know how to run Father's business, and begins thinking he still owns the place." She shook her head. "Everything's going wrong at once. Nobody listens to me. And I'm dying."

"Ugh! You're not dying!"

"I've got the results back," Winter countered. "I definitely have Breast Cancer."

Weiss shook her head at her sister's dramatics. "Look, don't worry about it, doctors are curing people every day."

"I've also heard that my ex has been talking about me. He disgusts me. I'm glad we don't see each other anymore."

"Don't worry about it," Weiss said for a second time. "Just… concentrate on getting better. Or whatever."

Winter glanced at her sister. "At least you have a good man."

"Taiyang isn't a good man. Last night, he got drunk and he hit me."

The elder sibling gasped. "Taiyang doesn't drink!"

"Well he did," Weiss said, "and I don't love him anymore."

Winter leaned forward and steeped her hands. "Taiyang is your financial security. You can't afford to let him go."

"Ugh… Whatever. Can we talk about this later? I have to go meet a client soon."

"You just don't want to speak with me," Winter surmised. "But very well. I will see you later. Bye-bye." She stood up and poked Weiss's nose before leaving.

* * *

Another time, a blonde man with exposed abs and a yellow tail walked into the living room, leading his female companion. The woman had long, black hair and a bow on her head.

**_Beta Lovebirds: SUN and BLAKE!_ **

"How long until someone comes back?" Blake asked.

Her friend shrugged. "I dunno, maybe a few hours. C'mon!"

The two went over to the couch, and Sun removed his shirt and provided a can of tuna. "Did you, uh, know that tuna is a symbol of love?" Blake just stared at the tuna. "…Blake?"

"I think you mean 'chocolate', but I don't care." Blake snatched the can from Sun and began going to work, trying to open it on her own. "Argh! Lousy can…!"

"Uh…? Blake? What about me?"

"What _about_ you?"

Sun slouched in defeat. Not a minute later, Weiss and Winter entered through the front door. The older sister grimaced. "Um, who are these characters?"

Weiss sighed. "Sometimes they show up because they like to do their homework."

"Homework?!" Winter repeated.

Weiss ignored her. "Winter, this is Blake's boyfriend. Sun, this is my sister, Winter."

Sun and Blake hurried past the sisters and out the door, with Sun still missing his shirt. The blonde nodded in a rush. "Uh, yeah, nice to meet you! Bye!"

But Winter grabbed the shirt from Sun's hands before he could go. "Wait… Why were you not wearing a shirt-"

"Gotta go!" And Sun left, still without his shirt. But before things could settle, Jaune entered the house.

"Hi Weiss!"

Weiss shook her head. "Hi Jaune. Jaune, this is my sister. Winter, this is Jaune."

"How many people come in and out of this house every day?" Winter asked. "Do you live in a train station?!"

Jaune nervously rubbed his neck. "Oh, I just wanted some butter… some flour…"

Winter glared at him. "Do you not have your own kitchen?"

"I'll just… come back later," Jaune said, running out the door. Winter shook her head.

"And who was that?"

"Taiyang wanted to adopt Jaune," Weiss explained. "It's really a tragedy how many huntsmen in training don't have families to go back to. When Jaune turned 17, Taiyang bought him his own place, and he's paying for it until Jaune graduates." She walked over and sat down on the couch. "Taiyang loves Jaune like a son, even if he doesn't say it a lot. He also gave Jaune his set of keys for this house."

Winter sighed and went to stand by the couch. "Look. If you don't love Taiyang, fine. But you need to tell him. Now, I have to go." She poked Weiss's nose again. "Bye-bye."

* * *

Jaune dribbled a basketball all alone on the deck behind Taiyang's house. He paid no attention to the world around him, thus did not see his new companion: a man in white, with braided hair and a merciless smile.

"Oh! It's Jaune!"

**_Random Criminal: TYRIAN!_ **

Jaune gasped and turned around. "O-oh! Tyrian! I've been looking for you!"

"Hahahaha! I'll bet you have! You've got my money, right?"

"Uh, y-yeah! It'll be here in a few minutes!"

Then his smile went away. "What do you mean 'a few minutes?' Where's my money?"

Jaune began to sweat as the larger man got closer. "Just about five minutes!"

Tyrian scowled and knocked Jaune down to his knees, then held a knife to his head. "You want five minutes?! Well I'll tell you what, I don't have five f***ing minutes, Jaune! Where's my f***ing money?!"

"I don't have it!" Jaune sobbed.

"Where's my money?! Where is my f***ing money, Jaune?! What did you do with it?!"

"I swear, it's coming!" the boy yelled through his tears.

"Where's my f***ing money?!"

Then Taiyang and Mercury entered the scene. "Hey!"

Tyrian noticed, and kicked Jaune away, ready to fight.

 **_BEST FRIENDS (Taiyang, Mercury) vs. TYRIAN!  
_ ** **_[BGM: Chris-R Battle Theme]_ **

**Taiyang: 60/60**  
**Mercury: 80/80**  
**Vs.  
** **Tyrian: 100/100**

 **Taiyang used 'Taunt'! ("Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!")**  
**Tyrian will only target Taiyang!**  
**Mercury used 'Breakdance Bullets'! 15 Damage!  
** **Tyrian used 'Eye Gouge' on Taiyang! 20 Damage!**

 **Taiyang: 40/60**  
**Mercury: 80/80**  
**Vs.  
** **Tyrian: 85/100**

 **Taiyang used 'Sun Dragon Punch'! 18 Damage!**  
**Mercury used 'Cocky Smirk'! Tyrian lost his focus! Mercury's free turn!**  
**Mercury used 'Puma Killer'! 10 Damage!  
** **Tyrian regained his focus!**

 **Taiyang: 40/60**  
**Mercury: 80/80**  
**Vs.  
** **Tyrian: 62/100**

 **Taiyang used 'Taunt'! ("Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!")**  
**Tyrian will only target Taiyang!**  
**Mercury used 'Metal Crane Kick'! 24 damage!  
** **Tyrian summoned a Beowolf and threw it at Taiyang! 31 damage!**

 **Taiyang: 9/60**  
**Mercury: 80/80**  
**Vs.  
** **Tyrian: 38/100**

 **Taiyang used 'Entire Team'! The party's damage was halved!**  
**Mercury used 'Puma Killer'! 10 Damage!  
** **Tyrian used 'Eye Gouge' on Mercury! 10 damage!**

 **Taiyang: 9/60**  
**Mercury: 70/80**  
**Vs.  
** **Tyrian: 28/100**

 **Taiyang used 'Sun Dragon Punch'! 18 Damage!**  
**Mercury used 'Rocket Jump Kick'! 22 Damage!**  
**Tyrian was defeated!**  
**Taiyang gained 33 EXP! Taiyang learned 'Answer to Me'!  
** **Mercury gained 29 EXP! Mercury reached Level 19!**

Weiss and Winter soon caught up, and the younger sister shrieked. "What's going on?!"

The two friends dragged Tyrian away from Jaune and began to leave the area. Taiyang looked at Mercury. "Let's take him to the police."

* * *

Taiyang and Mercury had an easy time of taking Tyrian to the authorities. The robot police relieved the friends of Tyrian as they put him in a cell.

" _Beep-boop. If it isn't our old friend, Tyrian. Beep. We've been waiting to bust you for years. Boop._ "

Another robot spoke to Taiyang. " _Beep. You are our favorite human._ "

Mercury grabbed Taiyang's shoulder. "Hey, let's go check on Jaune and the girls."

"Good idea, huh."

* * *

"You are not my f***ing mother!" Jaune screamed at Winter. This was the first thing Taiyang and Mercury witnessed upon their return to the deck.

"Are you okay, Jaune?" Taiyang asked.

"I'm okay."

"Are you okay, Jaune?" Taiyang repeated himself.

"I'm okay!"

Winter glared at the boy. "Okay?! This boy's been doing drugs! That's why that boob was interrogating him!"

"All right, it was a mistake," Mercury assured her." He looked off to the distance. "It's clear!"

"Who are you talking to?" Winter asked. "It doesn't matter, I'm calling the police."

"Winter, stop! It was a mistake, okay?" Weiss argued. She turned to Jaune. "You know better, don't you?! Taiyang's like your father, and we're your friends."

Taiyang nodded. "Let's go home."

* * *

Mercury sat in his house, using a cross-tip screwdriver on the flat-tip screws in his metal leg, when he received a phone call. "What's up?"

" _I miss you_ ," Weiss greeted.

"What are you talking about? We just saw each other earlier."

" _I can't stop thinking about you. Those thick eyebrows… your strong legs…_ "

"My metal ones? Wait, is Tai there?"

" _He's in the shower._ "

Mercury shook his head. "Why are you doing this? I told you, it's over between us."

" _But I still have feelings for you. You just don't care._ "

"I do care!"

" _I'll see you later, darling._ "

She ostensibly hung up. Mercury sighed and went back to repairing his leg from the scuffle earlier that day.

* * *

On the following afternoon, Taiyang walked home from Signal, grumbling to himself about his promotion that had yet to be awarded. As fate would have it, Winter stopped him on the way home.

"Good afternoon, Taiyang. Have you considered my request to help with the down payment on my friend Raven's home?" She frowned. "Normally I would help her, but I'm busy dealing with my insipid brother trying to buy back my house. Not to mention my cancer issue."

"Oh, that would be an awkward situation," Taiyang told her.

Winter shook her head and folded her arms. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. And here I thought you were more generous than that. And what's this I hear about you drinking? You struck Weiss?"

Taiyang gasped. "What?! I would not hit her. She's lying! Why she _do?_ "

"Well, the two of you can sort this out. I have to figure out what I'm telling Raven." With that, Winter marched away.

* * *

Mercury lounged in one of two lawn chairs on Taiyang's back porch. His thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of Taiyang himself.

"I did not hit her, it's not true, it's bulls***. I did not hit her. I did _nawt._ O hai Mercury."

The adulterer nodded. "Oh hey Taiyang, what's up?"

Taiyang sighed and helped himself to the chair beside Mercury. "I have problem with Weiss. She said that I hit her."

"What? Did you?"

"No, it's not true, don't even ask! …What's new with you?"

Mercury looked to the side. "Well, I was just out here thinking, y'know? Do you think girls like to cheat like guys do?"

"What make you say that?"

Taiyang's friend stood up and began pacing around the porch. "You never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl. She had a dozen guys. One of them found out and beat her up so bad, she ended up in a hospital on Ralph Ablanedo Drive."

The older man folded his arms behind his head. "Hahahah! What a story, Mercury."

"Yeah, you can say that again."

Taiyang stood up and put his hand on Mercury's shoulder. "I am so lucky to have you as a friend, and I love Weiss so much."

"Yeah… Yeah you are very lucky," Mercury ominously conceded.

"Why don't you have a girlfriend? It seems to me like you are the EXPERT on women!" Taiyang told his friend. "What happened to that one?"

"Who, Emerald? We weren't really dating. I gotta go…!" Mercury hurried off the porch and left the premises, passing by Jaune on the way down.

"Hi Taiyang. What's wrong with Mercury?"

"Oh he's irked today, hahah. What's new with you?"

Jaune shrugged. "Not much. Are we still seeing _Lazer Team_ tonight?"

Taiyang put a hand on his chin. "Hmm… Don't plan too much, Jaune. It may not come out right."

"I see… Hey, I have to tell you something. About Weiss."

"Go on," Taiyang invited.

"I think I'm in love with her."

"…Go on."

Jaune shook his head. "Sometimes… I just want to kiss her! Just... her voice, her looks... What am I supposed to do? Not fall in love with her?"

The older man went over and put a comforting arm around Jaune's shoulders. "Jaune, Weiss loves you too. As a human _bean_. People don't have to say it, they can feel it. You can love someone deep in your heart, and there is nothing wrong with that," Taiyang told him. "If a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live."

"…You're right. Thanks for paying my tuition."

"You're very welcome. And keep in _mind_ , if you have any problems, talk to me, and I will help you."

"Thanks, Taiyang."

"No problem. Now let's go eat, huh?"

* * *

"How're things with Taiyang?" Blake asked. She and Weiss were the living room. Blake curled up in the armchair and Weiss sat, surprise, on the couch.

"He didn't get his promotion. Then he got drunk and hit me. I don't want to marry him anymore."

"What?!"

Weiss nodded. "I've already found someone else."

The faunus narrowed her eyes. "So you're living with one man… and have started a relationship with another. Who even is he?"

"His best friend. He lives nearby," Weiss told her.

Blake palmed her face. "Ugh! Mercury Black?! Weiss, you're going to hurt Taiyang! You need to tell him!"

"But that'd devastate him!"

"So if you care, why are you cheating on him?!"

"HAPHAP! Don't you guilt-trip me!"

Blake shook her head. "Something awful will happen… I won't tell him. But you should."

As if on cue, Taiyang entered the room. "Hello Blake. Is there a secret?"

Blake winced and began to hurry out. "Oh, just a… book. I have to go!"

Taiyang watched her leave before turning back to Weiss. "What were you two talking about?"

"Just girl stuff."

Then the groom-to-be sighed. "Weiss, I never hit you. You should not keep secrets, you are my future wife."

"Well maybe I changed my mind," Weiss huffed, crossing her arms, deciding not to make eye contact.

"You must be kidding!"

Weiss stood up. "I'm going to take a nap."

But Taiyang was having none of that. He got closer and pushed Weiss back down onto the couch. "How dare you say that! Why, Weiss, why won't you talk to me?! You're part of my life, you're everything, I could not go on without you!"

The future bride frowned. "Taiyang, you're scaring me."

"YOU ARE _TEARING ME APART_ , WEISS!"

"What has gotten into you?!" Weiss was beginning to get mad.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND LIFE? DO YOU?!"

"Grr!" Weiss finally stood up and went up the stairs. "Don't worry about it, everything will be fine! Goodnight, Taiyang."

Taiyang plummeted onto the couch himself. "Oh… I still love you, Weiss. Don't worry about it…"

* * *

The next day, Taiyang met a shirtless Sun in an alleyway. "O hai Sun. What's new?"

Sun shrugged. "Well, uh, I actually have a bit of a tragedy on my hands. Me and Blake, we were, uh, gonna make out at your place." He gauged Taiyang's reaction, but saw none. "But Weiss and her sister came in, so we got out of there. But halfway back into town, I remember I forgot my shirt! So I came in, and grabbed it. But Winter snatched it away from me, and now I've been showing everyone… me abs."

"Hahah! Abs! I get the picture!" Taiyang thought he understood. "That's life."

Jaune ran up to the guys, holding a football. "Hey guys. Wanna play football?"

"I gotta try to make out with Blake in a few minutes," Sun said.

But in spite of what Sun said, the gang all started their game of football. Though it was really more like a game of catch. However, there were no referees to stop them. Instead, there was Mercury Black.

"Hey guys, what's up?"

"O hai Mercury."

Jaune nodded. "Sun was just telling us about his abs."

"His abs? What?" Mercury shook his head. He came closer to Sun.

"It's embarrassing, now everyone can see my abs."

"Everyone sees your abs all the time! Get real." Mercury pushed Sun into a nearby trashcan. Taiyang and Jaune went over to help him up, while Mercury did nothing.

* * *

For the millionth time, Winter and Weiss sat together in the Xiao Long living room. Winter was resting her head in her hand as she lounged in the armchair. "I didn't get much sleep last night… Do you remember Raven?"

Weiss nodded.

"Well, she wants to buy a new house. I asked Taiyang if he'd help, but he told me it'd be an 'awkward situation.'" Winter employed air quotes. "You know, your future husband should be more generous."

"He won't be my future husband." Weiss folded her arms confidently. "I'm already seeing someone else."

"You cannot be serious." At that time, Taiyang sat on the stairs, leaning in and making sure not to be heard. Winter continued. "Who is it?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Then why are we discussing this, you boob?!" Weiss said nothing, so Winter just pinched the bridge of her own nose. "If you think you're wearing me out today, wait until tomorrow."

Winter got up to leave, and Weiss went over to help her. Taiyang merely shook his head.

"I cannot believe it. How can she say that? I'll show her. I'll record everything."

A man on a mission, Taiyang went back upstairs to find one of his old cassettes and put it in the recording device.

* * *

Taiyang and another of his friends sat on the couch.

**_Taiyang's Psychologist Friend: LIE REN!_ **

"I don't understand women," Taiyang said. Ren shrugged.

"What man does?"

"They never say what they mean, and they always play games."

Ren gave his friend a confused look. "Um, what do you mean?"

Taiyang let out weary breath. "I have a serious problem with Weiss. I do not think she is faithful to me. In fact, I know she isn't. I overheard her and her sister. What should I do, Ren?"

"Weiss? Our Weiss? I don't know…"

"But you're a psychologist," Taiyang mentioned.

Ren winced. "Well… You should probably talk to her, if it bothers you. I don't want to interfere with anything."

"But I want to give her a second chance. She is my future wife! You know what they say: love is blind."

_Ding-dong_

"Did you hear the door?" Ren asked.

Mercury walked in, and Taiyang nodded. "O hai Mercury."

"Hey Tai. Ren."

"We were just talking about women," Taiyang told him. Mercury went over to sit in the wooden chair.

"Women… Man, women just confuse me. I have a girl right now. But she's married. Very attractive."

Ren turned to him. "What? Married? Do we know her?"

"…No." With that, he crossed one leg and put his arms behind his head.

"Hahahah. I have my own problems," Taiyang admitted. Ren nodded.

"Why don't you tell us about them?"

"Ah! You are always playing psychologist with us, Ren!" Taiyang snapped. This was in spite of him trying to use Ren's profession to his advantage a moment ago. But he relented. "Weiss is teasing me over whether we will get married. I don't know what to do."

"Well…" Ren fished for something to say. "People are people. Sometimes they have trouble seeing the bigger picture. You can't hide from your feelings, Tai."

"I'm thinking of moving into a bigger place," Mercury interrupted. "I'm making some good money right now."

He went ignored, as Ren continued. "Look, you're doing this for Weiss too. So just be open."

Mercury turned to his friends. "Hey are you running the Vytal Marathon this year?"

Taiyang nodded, while Ren shook his head. "No, not this year."

"Hahah. Chicken, Ren, you're just a little chicken. Cheeeeep-cheep-cheep-cheeeeeeep!"

"I just don't like the weird guys. Too many of them," Ren said.

"Hahahah. I don't mind the weirdos. Mercury, do you remember the girl with the pink hair? And brown hair?"

Mercury nodded. "Oh yeah. And the rabbit faunus with a sign saying, 'Can You Marry Me?' was there. I almost took her up on it. The barbecue after was good."

"Too many potatoes," Taiyang complained.

Ren rolled his eyes. "You guys are weirdos too. So do either of you want to play cards?"

"I can't, I am expecting Weiss at any minute."

Mercury scoffed. "Hey, whose house is it anyway?"

Ren put a finger to his chin. "I don't seem to recall you telling us how you met Weiss, now that I think of it."

Taiyang stood up and went over to the window. "Well, that's an interesting story. It all started when I arrived in Mantle with only two suitcases, and a check for 2000 lien I could not cash." He wistfully turned to the ceiling. "It was an out-of-kingdom check. I was working as a busboy at a café, and I met her there. We have our first date right there, then sometime after I moved to Patch, we met again and started going out."

"…So what's the interesting part?" Mercury heckled.

"Forget it, do you guys want sandwiches?" Taiyang asked. Without even getting an answer, he went to prepare the food. At that time, Weiss and Jaune entered the house.

"Hi guys," Weiss greeted. Ren nodded to her, while Mercury stood up and prepared to leave.

"I… have to work early."

Not even caring about Mercury's departure, Jaune tugged at Weiss's sleeve. "Hey. Don't you still have to order your wedding dress?"

"It's only a month away, there's plenty of time. Don't worry about it."

Jaune frowned. "Why don't you sound happy?"

Ren narrowed his eyes.

* * *

The next day, the psychologist walked onto the porch and found Mercury. He appeared to be getting high in the lawn chair. "Hey Mercury."

"Hey."

Ren put his arms behind his back and observed the scenery. "Sure is a nice place to come out and think, huh?"

"What, are you penciling me in now?"

The pink-eyed man glared. "What is that?"

"It's good, that's what it is. You want some?"

"I don't smoke that! What's this about?"

Mercury sighed and leaned back in the chair. "I don't feel so good. I did something horrible."

"Well why are you smoking that crap?! It's messing with your head, no wonder you-"

"You think you know everything, don't you?!" Mercury jumped up, full of rage. "You don't know s*** alright?!"

"Who do you think you are?" Ren accused. "You're having an affair with Weiss, aren't you? Stop acting like a kid!"

"Who are you calling a kid?! F*** you!" Mercury kicked a bullet at Ren. Though it only grazed his arm, it was enough to knock the man down and get his arm to bleed. Mercury walked over to help Ren up. "Sorry… Sorry, man. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Ren said, apparently over the attempt on his life. "Let's talk about your problems now."

Mercury growled and kicked another bullet, this time shooting a hole in the back of the lawn chair. "What, you want to know my secrets? Well you're right! I don't know what to do! It's all Weiss's fault, she's so manipulative!"

"How'd you let this happen?"

"F***!"

Ren sighed. "You know this could destroy your friendship with Taiyang. Want my advice? Life gets complicated, but you have to be responsible. Don't see Weiss again, and definitely don't have an affair with her! Go find someone else. She's a sociopath."

"Whatever…"

* * *

Taiyang sat on the couch in his new tuxedo, and noticed Jaune walking in, wearing his own tux. "Aw man! This wedding photo's gonna look great, Taiyang!"

_Ding-dong_

Jaune answered the door, and Ren came in. He, too, was wearing a tuxedo. "Hey guys."

"O hai Ren."

"You look good, Ren!"

Ren nodded and made himself comfortable in the armchair.

_Ding-dong_

Jaune answered the door once again, allowing Mercury to enter the room. Like the others, he was clad in his Sunday Best. "Hey guys, wanna play some football?"

"In our tuxes?" Ren asked. "Come on."

Mercury shrugged. "Eh why not."

"Hahah. What an idea, Mercury." Taiyang stood up to join Mercury and Jaune, noticing that only Ren did not seem to be interested. "Let's go, Ren."

"No."

Jaune rolled his head. "Oh come on! Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-"

Taiyang and Mercury then joined in. All three were standing around Ren in his chair.

"Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-"

* * *

The four friends gathered in front of From Dust 'Til Dawn to play 'football' with each other.

"I'm open!" Jaune called. He caught the ball and threw it to Mercury.

"Catch, Tai!"

He sent the ball to Taiyang. When he caught it, he nodded and aimed for Ren. "Go long, Ren!"

"Wait, wha-" Ren was hit in the face with a ball and knocked onto his back. "Ow… That's it, I'm done."

* * *

The next time Taiyang came to work, things went as usual. But after classes ended, Port barged in to Taiyang's classroom. "Taiyang! The school's getting a guest speaker this week. It's the world-renowned Maiden… what's-her-face. I dunno, the Autumn one."

"Wow, they are my favorite Maiden!" Taiyang nodded. "I cannot wait until I tell Mercury at Simple Wok later!"

Port wagged his finger. "But it's confidential, so don't tell anyone. Wouldn't want any villains to find out."

* * *

Taiyang and Mercury sat together at A Simple Wok, with the old man smiling at the sight of his favorite customer.

"Hot chocolate, please. Medium," said Taiyang.

"I'll have a… wok."

As the old man prepared the friends' food, the metal-legged man slumped his head on the counter.

"Relationships never work, man. I don't know why I waste my time."

"You should be happy, Mercury," Taiyang told him.

"I know. Life's too short. How was work today?"

"Oh, pretty good. We have a guest speaker at Signal, and they are very famous."

"Really?" Mercury seemed over his funk. "Who is it?"

"I should not say it."

"What? C'mon, tell me!"

"I cannot tell you, is confidential. Anyway, how is your sex life?"

"…What?! Dude!"

"You cannot tell me?" Taiyang gasped. "I forgot, I have to go!"

"Okay, I'll spot you this time," Mercury said. "Hey, wanna go jogging in the park tomorrow? 6:30?"

"Okey-dokey Mercury."

* * *

In the morning, Mercury and Taiyang met up in the park and proceeded to jog for a while. When that was done, they played more football with each other. At one point, Mercury accidentally said something in a Mistral dialect, and Taiyang angrily tackled him to the ground.

On the afternoon of the park meeting, Mercury entered Taiyang's house to find Weiss sweeping. "Oh, you made it."

"Are you gonna be ready for the party?"

"Yeah, I just have to change into my other outfit."

Out of nowhere, the two of them began to smooch, until there was a knock on the door. Weiss winced and called to it. "Come in!"

Blake entered, setting a box down. "Hey, I brought the decorations. …Oh don't tell me. You guys…" She shook her head. Mercury mumbled to himself and scurried out the door. "So, Weiss… Need me to help move the table?"

"Yes."

The two grabbed the coffee table and carried it toward the wall. As they worked, Blake looked at her friend. "Did you tell Taiyang yet?"

"No! Mercury's his best friend!" Weiss sighed. "I thought I loved Taiyang at first. But he just can't give me everything. And that's what I want. I want everything." They set the table down, and Weiss dusted her palms. "And if Mercury can't give me everything, then someone _else_ will."

"You are so manipulative."

"HAPHAP!" The white-clad girl pointed accusingly at her friend. "Don't judge me! You have to take what you want! You could learn from me! Don't worry about it! I have it all covered!"

Blake shook her head and went back over to where she had set down the decorations. "Your definition of 'covered' is very different from mine."

"Doesn't everyone deserve what makes them happy?"

"I… don't think you're seeing the full picture," Blake argued.

"I don't want to talk about it. We have to finish decorating soon."

Blake sighed. Eventually, she and Weiss did just that. Afterward, Blake left to prepare for the party, just in time for Winter to make another appearance.

"How are you, Weiss?"

"I just finished arranging for the party, but I'm not into it," Weiss answered, moving over to the couch, her favorite spot.

Winter put her hands on her hips. "And why not?"

"Because I'm in love with Mercury, Winter!"

Winter marched over to the couch and sat beside her sister. "You can't live on love, Weiss. You need financial security!"

"But I'm not happy!"

"You don't live life to be happy, Weiss. You live life to survive. Did you think our parents were happy with each other? They didn't even want to marry!"

Weiss did a double-take. "You never told me that!"

"Well it's true," Winter said. "Schnees can't afford love lives. No reason for it anyway, when people always abuse each other. Always have. Marriage has never been about love."

Hearing that, the younger sister took a moment to consider her response. "…I actually have Taiyang wrapped around my finger."

"So be happy about _that._ Don't throw your life away to be selfish! You need to listen to me!"

"Okay, fine! Look, I'll see you at the party, okay?"

"Okay." Winter poked Weiss's nose and prepared to leave. "Bye-bye."

* * *

That night, Tyrian broke out of prison and immediately hijacked a police car. "AHAHAHAHAHA!"

He drove along the streets with reckless abandon, even hitting an unsuspecting Ren.

"Ow… Won't… make it… to the party…"

* * *

Taiyang returned home and unlocked his door. The living room was dark, so he flipped the switch and-

" _SURPRISE!_ "

All of his friends (minus Ren) were there. Weiss even wore a new, blue dress for the occasion. They began singing for Taiyang's birthday. Everybody gathered around the guest of honor and congratulated him. As Taiyang warmly brushed everyone off, Jaune offered him a glass of champagne.

"Later."

"Later?"

"Yes, later!"

* * *

The island of Patch had a very lovely skyline at night.

* * *

The party was going great. Jaune tried to sneak some alcohol, Winter danced with a green-haired fellow, and Sun was still worried over whether or not he would get his shirt back.

Weiss spoke up. "Everyone, let's head out to the porch."

Everyone obeyed ringmaster Weiss, though she caught Mercury by the wrist on his way out. "Not you. There's something I have to show you."

"Oh really?" Mercury wiggled his thick eyebrows. Weiss led him to the couch and they began smooching. "What are we doing, everyone could see us."

"Don't worry about it."

"What's going on here?!" the green-haired attendee had come back into the living room.

**_Unexplained Friend: SAGE AYANA!_ **

Sage glared at the two. "Why are you doing this?!"

"I love him!" Weiss said.

"I can't believe you two!"

Mercury stood up and grabbed Sage by his jacket's collar. "Hey, you can keep your stupid comments in your pocket!" Mercury stormed out of the room, leaving Sage with only Weiss to confront. That appeared to be enough for him.

"Do you understand what you're doing?! You're going to destroy Taiyang! He's _very sensitive!_ "

"I'm in love with Mercury!"

"You make me sick!"

Suddenly, Taiyang and Blake reentered the room. "Hey babe. Thanks for the party. And you invited all my friends! Good thinking!"

Blake looked around. "…Where's Ren?"

"He knew too much- I mean, let's all go back outside, get some fresh air! Ha… ha…" Weiss was beginning to sweat. Blake frowned.

* * *

Now everyone was on the porch. Taiyang walked around and waved at nobody in particular before gathering everyone's attention.

"Hey everyone! We're expecting!"

While most of the guests cheered for Taiyang, Blake and Sage instead decided to confront Weiss.

"Weiss, you have to tell him!"

"I agree with that," was Sage's essential contribution.

"And ruin his birthday?" Weiss huffed. Sage scratched his head.

"When's the baby due, anyway?"

"There is no baby! I just told Taiyang that to make things interesting!"

Blake gaped in horror. "Weiss!"

"What?! We're probably gonna have one anyway! Don't tell him anything!"

The cat faunus groaned, while Sage massaged his temples. "I feel like I'm sitting on a mountain, waiting for a giant Grimm to come out and eat me!"

Weiss rolled her eyes. "Don't worry! You guys are too worried about me!"

"You?!" Blake asked. "We're worried about Taiyang! You don't know what you're doing to him!"

"I'm not responsible for Taiyang anymore! I've changed! I don't know how it is with faunus, but humans do that!"

"This is going to drag us _all_ down," said Sage. "Does Mercury even love you?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Blake shook her head. "I'm going to have a hard time forgiving you if you don't say something."

"Hey everyone!" Weiss ignored Blake. "Let's all go inside for cake!"

"Weiss..."

* * *

Port stood in a corner of the living room, holding a plastic cup. "…Weiss looks hot tonight."

Mercury walked up to Weiss. "So is the baby mine?"

"Don't ask stupid questions."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

Weiss slapped Mercury across the face. Then Taiyang hurried over to the two of them. "What's going on?"

Mercury turned to him incredulously. "You really don't know, do you?"

"Maybe I know more than you think!" Taiyang said, shoving Mercury. Then Weiss stepped between them.

"Okay, that's enough!"

All the guests were prepping to watch a fight unfold, and they all seemed disappointed. Taiyang nodded. "Okay, fine. Everything is fine! I'm sorry, Mercury." The blonde man offered his hand to his best friend.

"Yeah…"

Mercury took the hand, and then slow music began to play. Immediately, Mercury took Weiss by the hips and began slow dancing with her. Taiyang did a double-take. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"None of your business!" Weiss said.

"You are my future wife, Weiss!"

Weiss's new boyfriend glared. "Hey, she doesn't wanna talk to you!"

"Since when do you give me orders?"

"Since Weiss changed her mind about you!" Mercury let go of Weiss to confront Taiyang. "Wake up, man! What planet are you on?!"

Taiyang's face became eerily blank. "…You should leave now, Mercury."

Mercury put a hand on Taiyang's shoulder. "Hey-"

"Don't touch me, motherf***er, get out." Taiyang shoved Mercury again. The younger man glared.

"If you'd keep her satisfied, she wouldn't come to me!"

"Get out of my house! I kill you, I break every bone in your body!"

Then everyone gathered around the two former friends, ready for a show.

 **_TAIYANG vs. MERCURY!  
_ ** **_[BGM: I'm the One]_ **

**Taiyang: 100/100**  
**Vs.  
** **Mercury: 130/130**

 **Taiyang used 'Sun Dragon Punch'! 20 Damage!**  
**Mercury used 'Breakdance Bullets'! 25 Damage!**

 **Taiyang: 75/100**  
**Vs.  
** **Mercury: 110/130**

 **Taiyang used 'Taunt'! ("Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!")**  
**Mercury became irked! Taiyang's free turn!**  
**Taiyang used 'Soaring Football'! 27 Damage!  
** **Mercury got over his status!**

 **Taiyang: 75/100**  
**Vs.  
** **Mercury: 83/130**

 **Taiyang used 'Entire Team'! There was no 'I' in 'team'!**  
**Mercury used 'Cocky Smirk'! Taiyang lost his focus! Mercury's free turn!**  
**Mercury used 'Puma Killer'! 18 Damage!  
** **Taiyang regained his focus!**

 **Taiyang: 67/100**  
**Vs.  
** **Mercury: 83/130**

 **Taiyang used 'Taunt'! ("Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!")**  
**Mercury brushed it off!  
** **Mercury used 'Rocket Jump Kick'! 29 Damage!**

 **Taiyang: 38/100**  
**Vs.  
** **Mercury: 83/130**

 **Taiyang used 'Sun Dragon Punch'! 20 Damage!  
** **Mercury used 'Metal Crane Kick'! 31 Damage!**

 **Taiyang: 7/100**  
**Vs.  
** **Mercury: 63/130**

 **Taiyang used 'Taunt'! ("Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!")**  
**Mercury brushed it off!**  
**Mercury used 'Breakdance Bullets'! 25 Damage!**  
**Taiyang fainted!**

 **_MERCURY_ ** **wins!**

Taiyang groaned in frustration. "You betray me, you not good, you're just a chicken, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!"

Then the fight devolved into a shoving contest. Taiyang won out, pushing Mercury to the floor once again. Sage walked over to the former friends, trying to break things up.

"It's over! It's over!"

"It's _not_ over!" Taiyang argued. "Everyone betray me! I'm fed up with this _wor-uld._ " With that, Taiyang retreated upstairs.

* * *

In the upstairs hallway, Winter and Weiss were talking to each other one more time.

"I've cleared out the guests," Winter told her sister.

"He still won't come out of the bathroom."

Winter nodded. "Yes, because he's upset. But Taiyang is a sensible man. He'll come out, and you can discuss this reasonably."

"I want to be alone with him right now."

"I understand. I'm going home now. Call me if you need anything. Bye-bye." Winter poked her sister's nose again and went downstairs. Now alone with Taiyang, Weiss turned to the bathroom door.

"Are you coming out yet?"

His voice was a little muffled. "In a few minutes, b****."

Weiss rolled her eyes. She fished her scroll out of her purse and dialed a number. "Mercury?"

" _What's going on?"_

"Don't worry about Taiyang, he's just being a baby. You know I love you very much."

" _Just ditch that creep, I don't like him anymore!_ "

"How about I move in with you?"

" _Sure. I want you too._ "

"I'll be right over," Weiss said before hanging up. Then Taiyang exited the bathroom.

"Who was that?"

"None of your business."

Taiyang glared and hurried down the stairs. He came back up with the cassette and began playing the tape. It was Weiss and Mercury's conversation. A few exchanges were mysteriously different, but Taiyang was too angry sitting on his proof of treachery.

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I GAVE YOU SEVEN YEARS of my life." His breathing became ravenous. "I love you and give everything to you, and you betray me! _HOW COULD YOU LOVE HIM?!"_

The furious man ejected the cassette from the player and smashed it into the wall. "Get out, get out, get out of my life!"

Weiss said nothing and left.

* * *

Taiyang was seething, remembering all the good times he had shared with Weiss. He could not take it anymore, before heading downstairs and trashing his own house. He stomped around the living room, mumbling angrily as he knocked over the couch, threw out some books, and smashed his paintings. He even took the wooden chair and smashed it against the wall.

That was not enough. Taiyang kicked down the front door and began going on a rampage all around Patch. "AAAH! ALL OF PATCH WILL ANSWER TO ME!"

First, he found Jaune's house and kicked down the front door. Inside, Jaune was watching a series of holographic screens, each showing footage of Weiss.

"Aaah! H-hi, Taiyang! I-I-I just like to watch!"

"Jaune, my time is short. I will need you to look after Weiss when I am gone."

Jaune's eyebrows shot up. "Oooh! Don't worry about it, Taiyang!"

"I must be going now. I have... business." Taiyang left Jaune to his hobbies.

* * *

With that errand out of the way, Taiyang furiously stomped through the streets, until he ran into a robot police barricade. " _Beep-boop. Taiyang, we don't want to shoot you. Beep. But the next move is yours._ "

" **CHEEP-CHEEP-CHEEP-CHEEEEEEEEEEEP!** "

The high frequency of Taiyang's cheeping caused the robots to malfunction and shoot each other. With the coast clear, Tyrian poked his head out from an alleyway.

"Are the cops gone?"

Taiyang tackled Tyrian and began tearing into him like a wild dog. With his might, he popped Tyrian like a balloon, and blood rained down on him.

"You killed Ren! An eye for an eye!"

* * *

The doors to Signal Academy were kicked down, like many others this evening. But unlike anyone else, Peter Port was ready for Taiyang.

"Heheh. Mr. Xiao Long… Look what I have here…" Port pulled out a certificate. "It's the promotion we never gave you. I've been waiting for this." He pulled out an axe-blunderbuss. "After I kill you, I'll fire you! That's your final lesson!"

"It is time for _you_ to graduate, Peter! From life!"

 **_MEGA TAIYANG vs. PORT!  
_ ** **_[BGM: Chris-R Battle Theme]_ **

**Mega Taiyang: 300/300**  
**Vs.  
** **Port: 125/125**

 **Mega Taiyang used 'Eviscerate'! Instant Kill!**  
**Port was defeated!  
** **Mega Taiyang gained 1 EXP!**

Taiyang victoriously trashed the teachers' lounge. "SCHOOL'S OUT FOREVER!"

* * *

After a time, Taiyang went to the bedroom. He lied down and started caressing one of Weiss's spare dresses in a very creepy way. When Taiyang decided he was done with that, he reached over and found the expensive rapier he had once bought for her.

"Why?! Why is this happening to me?! It's over. God, forgive me."

_Shhhtk_

**.**

**.**

**.**

Sometime later, Mercury and Weiss ran into Taiyang's bedroom. He was on his side, the sword sticking out of his stomach and blood pooling on the floor. Mercury got down on his knees. "Wake up, Tai, c'mon!"

"Is he dead?!"

Mercury was suddenly out of breath, and he nodded. "Yes, he's dead… he's dead…"

"No…"

The old friend leaned down and pecked Taiyang on the forehead. After that, Weiss and Mercury embraced each other.

"I've lost Taiyang, but I still have you, right?"

Mercury gasped and pushed her away. "You don't have me! You'll never have me! You killed him!"

Weiss began to sob. "Mercury, we're free to be together!"

Then Jaune barged into the room, already crying. "What's happening?!"

Mercury turned over. "Don't look, Jaune!"

But the boy joined his friends, sobbing at the sight of the fallen Taiyang. "Wake up, Taiyang! It's not right!"

Weiss tried to put a hand on his shoulder. "He's in a better place, Jaune!"

"LEAVE US!" Jaune pushed Weiss away and got closer to Taiyang's corpse, cradling it even. "Both of you, leave!"

Mercury got up and shook his head. "As far as I'm concerned, you can drop off the face of Remnant! That's a promise."

"Why, Taiyang?!" Jaune pleaded. "Why?!"

With a sigh, Mercury went back over to comfort Jaune, as did Weiss. And the three grieved for the passing of their friend, Taiyang Xiao Long.

* * *

"...So what do you think?" Taiyang asked, sitting opposite his daughters at the dinner table.

Ruby looked around nervously, trying to think of something to say. Meanwhile, Yang just stared at the draft.

"…This sucks."

"What?"

Yang repeated herself. "This script sucks! And why'd you write yourself dating Weiss?"

"Your father gets very lonely, Yang."

"Ew!"

Ruby frowned. "How come we weren't in it?"

"How would that fit into the plot?" Taiyang defended.

"I dunno... Same way you got Port to work at Signal instead of Beacon?" suggested Ruby.

"Well... I..."

Yang sighed and stood up. "I'm going back to bed."

"And I should probably feed Zwei," Ruby added.

With that, Yang and Ruby both escaped the dining room. They left Taiyang alone with his masterpiece.

"…Everybody's a critic."

**Author's Note:**

> It's kind of strange, I intentionally did bad things in order to emulate the movie. But I tried to keep the characters at least somewhat planted in their canon selves. The script isn't a 100% copy/paste, though many lines are the same. Winter and Weiss's relationship is obviously not mother/daughter, and Winter speaks a little more formally than her Room character. Certain characters' lines are switched around or omitted. And of course, there's the extra content based on the flash game of the movie.
> 
> In the end, it was all Taiyang's own fanfic that he was showing to his daughters. I imagine it's some point between Volumes 3 and 4 (ignoring that Tyrian and Whitley were not established yet). So I'm just imagining quiet, bitter Yang being forced to read this while Ruby tries to find something nice to say.
> 
> It actually wasn't too hard to figure out which characters would have what roles. I put Taiyang in the Tommy Wiseau chair because, well, I don't like any of the "RWBY team mate x adult" ships. But I needed an older character. Taiyang has the meme of being Remnant's ultimate playboy, so I settled on that. Weiss is a snob, not a horrible one, definitely not as bad as Lisa. But she fit the bill and had an older character (Winter) to talk to, so she and Winter were easy to figure out. Jaune just seems like a "Denny" type, so that was easy. He was almost in Tai's position though. And Mercury's a jerk, but fun to write, so I made him Mark.
> 
> Blake and Sun also fit into place nicely, reasonable gal pal for Lisa and goofy weird friend for Johnny. Adam was going to be the thug who confronted Jaune, but I changed it to Tyrian in order to get some Volume 4 representation. Peter (the Room character) is sort of the only sane man besides Michelle/Blake, so Ren seemed like a good fit. And then the guy who replaces him at the party is so irrelevant, I needed an equally irrelevant character- Sage. No great reason for Port being Taiyang's boss.
> 
> Overall I had fun with this. Maybe more fun than you'd have reading it, but I gave it my all. I like RWBY and I love The Room, so I think I could have done worse.
> 
> Ah, my first RWBY fic and I did not include Roman anywhere. So much for favorites. But it's not too late. I am interested in doing more in the future.
> 
> (By the way, if you're interested in more of my work, I'm currently in the middle of a long-running Fire Emblem: Fates parody- Gray Whirlpool. It's actually two separate fics, each one based on the different routes of the game, and I always update them together every Friday.)


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